Kerry's guide to PMQs

WEDNESDAY 17 MARCH 2010

*1 Tony Baldry (Banbury):
Random Labour backbencher
Cameron (6 questions, could be split)
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Clegg (2 questions)
Random Labour backbencher
*2 Mr John Redwood (Wokingham):
*3 Gwyn Prosser (Dover):
Random Opposition backbencher
*4 Derek Twigg (Halton):
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*5 Linda Gilroy (Plymouth, Sutton):
*6 Mr Anthony Steen (Totnes):
*7 Mr Lindsay Hoyle (Chorley):
*8 Simon Hughes (North Southwark & Bermondsey):
Random Labour backbencher
*9 Jo Swinson (East Dunbartonshire):
*10 Mr Michael Clapham (Barnsley West & Penistone):
*11 Mr Gerald Howarth (Aldershot):
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*12 Mr John Baron (Billericay):
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*13 Mr Andrew Turner (Isle of Wight):
*14 Mr James Plaskitt (Warwick & Leamington):
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*15 Chris Ruane (Vale of Clwyd):

Predictions... Cameron will go on Unite/ Charlie Whelan/ Labour in hock to unions, at which point you may just hear the words "Ashcroft" "Belize" and "tax-dodger" from the Labour benches. Bring it on, I say - nothing at all to be ashamed of about being funded by a democratic organisation representing 1.5 million people and their families (who all pay tax). Or if he doesn't do that it could be a continuation of the alleged underfunding of troops. Or blaming Gordon for the break-up of Kate Winslet and Sam Mendes marriage because he didn't give them a Married Couple's Allowance. (See also, Cheryl and Ashley Cole; Mark from Take That and Emma. Kerry Katona and that dodgy bloke.)

Don't know about Clegg. Tempted to say I don't care, but we're in hung Parliament territory, have to be nice to Lib Dems! Or perhaps not.

This is almost certainly Sir Anthony Steen's swansong at PMQs. He's been speaking in Westminster Hall this morning on visas for domestic workers, the issue being that if they are badly treated by their employers they have no choice but to put up with it or lose their job/ visa and be kicked out of the country. Got to hand it to the old boy, he's been good on issues like this and human trafficking. Not so good on 'getting' why it's not a good idea to tell people they're just jealous because his house looks like Balmoral, but there you go.

As for the others... Redwood will go on something to do with economy/ regulation/ EU and will think he's being very clever. Sometimes he asks very short questions. Gwyn Prosser has a big local issue, re the port of Dover. If we get to Mike Clapham it will probably be pleural plaques, he's a long-time campaigner on the issue. And Simon Hughes will be greeted with cries of "too long!" "enough already!" as soon as he opens his mouth. It's a longstanding Commons tradition. And expect quite a few grandees called as 'randoms', i.e. those who are standing down. Not many PMQs to go before they depart the green benches.